“Hello and welcome. You are through to RM Design. Let me assure you that your call is important to us. In a moment you will hear a list of options. This helps us deal with your enquiry as quickly as possible. May we remind you that all calls are recorded for legal reasons and training porpoises.
“Press one to hear a list of options that is half way through but doesn’t go back to the beginning.
“Press two to repeat the list from half way through and still doesn’t go back to the beginning.
“Press three for the first half of the list only.
“Press four for a fresh list of options when you finally realise that none of the options in either half of the original list is what you want.
“Press five for customer services (please leave your name, registered customer number, National Insurance number, hospital number, and two forms of identification – passport, driving licence or utility bills. We will respond within 28 working days.)
“Press six for the opportunity to record a message to help us improve our services to you. Don’t forget to use your twenty-five digit PIN number you will have received in the post but threw away without realising what it was.
“Press seven to receive a new PIN number in the post. Allow 28 working days.
“Press eight to record a suicide note
“Press nine to listen back to your suicide note
“Press ten to delete and re-record your suicide note
“Press eleven to repeat this list of options.
“Press twelve for the operator (not available during working hours)
“Please refer to the Frequently Asked Questions section on our website on www.rmdesign.co.uk for the answers to questions you will never ask.
“Thank you for phoning RM Design. Remember, we value your business.”
© Roger Murphy 2010